Earlier this week, I met with a team from C3 Exchange in Grand Haven to train them in Management by Strengths (MBS). This is a great tool for improving relationships – at home, at work, at your faith community, or anywhere.
As you think about your experiences with people, would you say that there are people you agree with and others you put up with? The people we agree with at work tend to be the people we like and trust – and the basis of trust is understanding.
When there is a breakdown in understanding, we usually don’t see it that way. We don’t go around saying we misunderstand people, instead we tend to say I understand him – he’s a jerk! Or I understand her – she’s an idiot! We tend to say strong things about people we don’t understand and usually those are not very positive things.
So a huge step we can take toward improving our relationships is to seek to understand the people we interact with. And the basis of understanding is communication. Right away we have a problem because people say things their way and we hear them our way. Communication is based on our ability to listen to the other person and to actually hear what they are saying. It means listening to them from their point of view.
Which is a huge challenge because nothing affects how we hear things as much as our own point of view. If my point of view gets turned sideways and my point of view gets in control of me, it is harder to understand you. I need to get a good understanding of why I think and feel the way I do and then have an appreciation of why you think and feel the way you do. The minute I do that, I am going to tear down this barrier.
We tend to judge and evaluate everything we see and hear in terms of ourselves, which is fine – but “I” need to be able to look around and see how the other person sees and judges things because it is just as fine. Our goal in relationships is to see from the other person’s point of view, to get in agreement and get things accomplished.
MBS looks at 4 basic temperaments or 4 common points of view so that we can think about our own natural way of relating to others and the ways in which others might naturally try to relate to us. Knowing these different styles of communication can go a long way to improving our relationships – but they don’t fix everything.
People will still annoy us and there are times we will hold our breath in frustration and bafflement. So the most important thing we can do at home, at work, and in all settings is to remember to breathe. Deeply and slowly. Breathing keeps us centered, grounded and focused. Most of us are pretty good at breathing in. What we need to remember is to breathe out, fully and completely.
Owning the Shadow
Self-introspection is another wonderful tool. What is it that annoys me about this person? Usually what annoys us the most about someone else is something we don’t like about our selves. If we can be look objectively at our reactions to others and be brutally honest in our own self assessment we can discover something about our shadow, truths about ourselves we have been denying, so that we can name and reclaim those parts of us we have tried to get rid of.
See the Divine
As people of faith we have yet another tool as well. We believe in the Divine that lives within each of us. Business Author and Social Entrepreneur Carmel McConnell offers this advice: “Mentally acknowledge that everyone is in transition to perfection, some further down the road than others. This helps you to let go of the desire to judge, blame and snipe.”
Picture in your own mind someone you’ve had a hard time dealing with – it could be someone you’re struggling with right now or it could be someone you’ve interacted with in the past. Picture them and then see in them the Spirit that lives in us all. Take a deep breath, exhale and then love them with the Spirit that lives in you.