Being Fully Human, christian, difficult people, emotional, faith, perspective, Relationship

Best Tools for Dealing with Difficult People

Difficult PeopleEarlier this week, I met with a team from C3 Exchange in Grand Haven to train them in Management by Strengths (MBS). This is a great tool for improving relationships – at home, at work, at your faith community, or anywhere.

As you think about your experiences with people, would you say that there are people you agree with and others you put up with? The people we agree with at work tend to be the people we like and trust – and the basis of trust is understanding.

When there is a breakdown in understanding, we usually don’t see it that way. We don’t go around saying we misunderstand people, instead we tend to say I understand him – he’s a jerk! Or I understand her – she’s an idiot! We tend to say strong things about people we don’t understand and usually those are not very positive things.

Change Perspective

So a huge step we can take toward improving our relationships is to seek to understand the people we interact with. And the basis of understanding is communication. Right away we have a problem because people say things their way and we hear them our way. Communication is based on our ability to listen to the other person and to actually hear what they are saying. It means listening to them from their point of view.

Which is a huge challenge because nothing affects how we hear things as much as our own point of view. If my point of view gets turned sideways and my point of view gets in control of me, it is harder to understand you. I need to get a good understanding of why I think and feel the way I do and then have an appreciation of why you think and feel the way you do. The minute I do that, I am going to tear down this barrier.

We tend to judge and evaluate everything we see and hear in terms of ourselves, which is fine – but “I” need to be able to look around and see how the other person sees and judges things because it is just as fine. Our goal in relationships is to see from the other person’s point of view, to get in agreement and get things accomplished.

MBS looks at 4 basic temperaments or 4 common points of view so that we can think about our own natural way of relating to others and the ways in which others might naturally try to relate to us. Knowing these different styles of communication can go a long way to improving our relationships – but they don’t fix everything.

Exhale

People will still annoy us and there are times we will hold our breath in frustration and bafflement. So the most important thing we can do at home, at work, and in all settings is to remember to breathe. Deeply and slowly. Breathing keeps us centered, grounded and focused. Most of us are pretty good at breathing in. What we need to remember is to breathe out, fully and completely.

Owning the Shadow

Self-introspection is another wonderful tool. What is it that annoys me about this person? Usually what annoys us the most about someone else is something we don’t like about our selves. If we can be look objectively at our reactions to others and be brutally honest in our own self assessment we can discover something about our shadow, truths about ourselves we have been denying, so that we can name and reclaim those parts of us we have tried to get rid of.

See the Divine

As people of faith we have yet another tool as well. We believe in the Divine that lives within each of us. Business Author and Social Entrepreneur Carmel McConnell offers this advice: “Mentally acknowledge that everyone is in transition to perfection, some further down the road than others. This helps you to let go of the desire to judge, blame and snipe.”

Picture in your own mind someone you’ve had a hard time dealing with – it could be someone you’re struggling with right now or it could be someone you’ve interacted with in the past. Picture them and then see in them the Spirit that lives in us all. Take a deep breath, exhale and then love them with the Spirit that lives in you.

Namaste

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Being Fully Human, Compassion, disability, hope, marginalized, mental illness, neurodiversity, normalcy, perspective, Relationship, stigma, worthiness

Neurodiversity

NeurodiversityIf you don’t know something that you want to know, what do you do? If you are conducting research on something, where do you look? Do you make a B-line for the library? Do you grab the appropriate letter from the set of encyclopedias? Or do you turn on your computer and do a Google search?

Google has become a whole new way of life. We now have all the world’s knowledge literally at our fingertips. The most powerful research tool ever to be constructed by human hands, the most impressive feat of human ingenuity and collective wisdom. And it shall be called… “google?”

What the heck is a google? Well, Google got its name from a 9-year-old nephew of a mathematician who was asked to invent a name for a number with 100 zeroes. He came up with a googol. How do I know that? That’s right, I Googled it!

Names are important. It turns out that when you blindfold people, a rose by any other name does not smell as sweet!

One of the most liberating things I ever did was to change my name. Having been raised in home in which my relationship with my father was strained at best and experiencing unhealthy marriages that did not end well, I had accumulated a long string of names. Then in the spring of 2010 I petitioned the court and dropped all of the extra baggage. Lee had been my middle name. And now, for the first time, I felt the congruence of my name actually proclaiming who I knew myself in my limited ego existence to be. Names are carry a lot of emotional weight and they are critical for communication.  

 My son Alex came home all excited one day from school. He was 5 or 6 six years old. He said, “Mom, I just found out that me and Alex Jones and Alex Smith all have the same middle name!” “Really?” I asked. “Yes,” he said, “Xander.”

Two weeks ago I shared with you news about Alex that is not as cute and funny. He, like nearly 1 in every 5 Americans is struggling with mental illness. A number of you have shared with me since that announcement your own struggle or a family member’s struggle or a friend’s struggle with mental illness. That’s the politically correct name – mental illness. And it’s better than many of the common pejorative names we toss around haphazardly like psycho, schizo and freak. But today I want to introduce what might be a new name in your vocabulary: Neurodiversity.

The Need for Names

I first heard the name on NPR about a month ago so I investigated it to learn more. How did I do that? Yes, I Googled it! I Googled Neurodiversity and this is what I learned. Neurodiversity is a movement to destigmatize mental illness and to recognize that brains are every bit as diverse as any other aspect of life. As we wrap up a month of talking about Diversity, I think it is more than appropriate to recognize that the mentally ill remain squarely in society’s camp of the marginalized and misunderstood.

We talked a couple of months ago about words. Our words are basically placeholders for ideas and concepts. The names are a special kind of word because they contain a whole collection of ideas and concepts.  

Names lead us to making assumptions about people – some of which are clearly true and some of which are undoubtedly false. And while we know assumptions often get us in trouble, we also need them if we want to get past the first five minutes of our day without being paralyzed by analysis. Our labels help us to make quick decisions about how we should respond or behave in any particular situation or place. But we also use our labels to maintain the status quo so that we aren’t challenged to think beyond what we have already observed.

Names become a tool for dehumanizing people when we don’t want to put forth the effort of understanding them. If they are *that* then I know enough about them to know I don’t want to really know anything about them. Why would I let a silly thing like facts get in the way of altering my world view?  

I had a psychology professor who used the example of “woman driver.” You’re driving along and somebody in another car does something stupid. You look. If they are a woman, you say to yourself “woman driver.” If they are a man, you say to yourself “hmph, drives just like a woman.”

Know what I’ve noticed the last couple of years? Seems like whenever someone commits an act of horrible violence, the media immediately ask if they are schizophrenic. If they aren’t, then they acted like a schizophrenic – despite the fact that violence is not even a symptom of schizophrenia. Think John Nash. Think Jack Kerouac.  

Which brings me back to the name neurodiversity as opposed to mental illness. I like it this name because it suggests that people are not diseased or broken – they are different. Thomas Armstrong, the man who I heard on NPR, argues that we don’t say that a cala lilly has petal deficit disorder, we value it for its own intrinsic worth. Similarly, we need to approach mental illness and developmental disabilities from an entirely different perspective that challenges us to see the intrinsic worth of every human being and every human brain.

What is Normal? 

Neurodiversity proponents say that schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and other psychiatric conditions may have given our ancestors an evolutionary advantage because they allowed a few people to think outside of the box. When no one else could come up with an answer, it may have been these creative thinkers that pointed to another way. This theory, which emerged about a decade ago, challenges us to celebrate the differences between our brains and moves us away from our almost instinctive focus on problems and deficits.

When we look at the whole make up of humanity, we see a range of different thinking that’s made our progress in science and the creative arts possible.  Picture a bell curve of humanity. To neurodiversity proponents, people who are disabled are not sick or broken, they are merely at the edges of the bell curve.

This approach strikes at the heart of the medical model that focuses on defects and deficits. Neurodiversity doesn’t ignore the struggles many people have to live functional lives, but it says we need to give at least equal attention to the assets, advantages and abilities of people who are simply wired differently.

The name “neurodiverse” tears down the false wall of separation that divides the “normal” from the not “normal” and calls into question the idea of normalcy itself. It allows us to see different ways of thinking and processing the world as natural variations instead of seeing people as bad, broken or in need of repair. To proponents of neurodiversity, the idea of a “cure” can actually feel like an attack on their being. This is particularly true in the autistic community where advocates believe autism is part of who they naturally are and who reject the idea that there is some other hidden self within. One autistic man writes that trying to cure him of autism is as detestable an effort as trying to cure someone of being gay.

A Society that Makes Accommodations

When I worked at Kandu I helped people with barriers to employment find competitive employment. Kandu and similar organizations are not in the business of fixing people or changing them into something else. They are in the business of identifying strengths and finding ways people can use those strengths to succeed in society. They are also in the business of identifying accommodations that society needs to make to help them achieve that success. 

Now none of this is to romanticize the functional limitations of people on the edges of the Bell curve. I don’t propose stopping treatment or research in the field. But I am suggesting we stop looking at people as diagnoses that need to be fixed and start looking at how as a culture we can make accommodations so that everyone can survive and even find a place to thrive without having to be made into some imagined social ideal of normal.

When we name people as defective, disordered and ill, we build a wall that implicitly states that the rest of us are normal or whole, ignoring the fact that we are all flawed and imperfect. We make people into “them” and “other” in a way that might sound sympathetic and compassionate, but that also reinforces judgment and fear.

We ignore the reality that we all struggle with deficiencies and we all have aspects of our lives that we are working to improve or overcome.   

The real value of the neurodiversity movement may be in reminding us that we all experience joy and sorrow, pain and hardship, challenges and opportunities and that a humanizing society is one in which we are all given the chance to make the best of what we have been dealt.

 Renaming mental illness as Neurodiversity is a start. A change of name and our entire outlook and set of assumptions can change – because it forces us to change our perspective. A change of name can open us up to see and explore other truths that are out there just waiting to be discovered – and waiting to be shared. I mentioned two weeks ago that we are not traveling alone. We are on a journey together, learning how to live together in all of our wonderful diversity – including neurodiversity.  We each have so much to learn and so much more we can teach.   

These days we also have the resources of the entire world at our disposal. That wasn’t always the case. I heard a story just the other day that I’d like to use to close on chuckle. Two people were sitting on a couch together sharing a snack in the days before Google was invented. One said, “I just thought of something I’d like to know more about.” The other replied, “That’s a damn shame.”                                                 

Namaste

 

 

 

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ageism, aging, Being Fully Human, Bible, change, kenosis, perspective, self help, Spiritual

Celebrating 50 Years of Aging!

Barbara Lee at 50

To know how to grow old is the master work of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living. – Henri Frederic Amiel

This month I turned 50 years old. I was at the North American Interfaith Network Annual Connect Event in Detroit when it happened. Two days earlier I was working in my bed and breakfast room when the cold rain gave way to a hot front. Then it moved through and things chilled again. I marveled at the unusual weather. It happened again the next day. Once I returned home and turned 50 years and 1 day, I realized this unusual weather pattern had followed me home. It was the next day when it finally hit me – this must be what a Hot Flash feels like! Yes, I have chronologically grown up.

Earlier this summer I went to the wedding of the daughter of someone I graduated from high school with. I was looking forward to seeing my friend – even kidding her about not being old enough to have a married daughter. But when I saw her, my breath caught in my throat – she was wearing an old lady dress. Seriously old lady. What in the world was she thinking? It seems fashion sense may be the first thing we lose.

And that’s what aging is all about isn’t it? Loss? Losing something. My figure, my eyesight, my hair. Losing health and energy and vitality. Losing, losing, losing. As we lose our youth, as it slips away, we realize it’s all downhill from here.

I typed anti-aging in Google and you know how many hits were found? 1,830,000!

In ancient days, people never dreamt of living as long as we do now. Life was harsh from the very first breath. Many died in infancy, most died in their 30s and 40s. That meant that those who survived into their elder years had a special place of honor because they had outlasted most of the people of their own generation. They had actually lived with people and through events that others had only heard about. They were valued for their wisdom and their ability to teach and guide the young. 

Today elders are still the best choice for helping youngsters – not because of what they have lost but because of all they have gained.  As we age, we gain experience. We gain wisdom. We gain insight and understanding. We gain ability. We gain perspective. We often gain deeper and richer relationships. Studies tell us that we even gain in emotional growth. Aging can bring with it new ways of thinking and new interests. All of these gains are things we can offer to our families, our loved ones and our society.

Ageism  

So why does our culture seem to value youth so much more than age? In part, I think it’s always been that way here. We simply don’t have a history of respecting and celebrating age. Remember that our country was founded by young immigrants who were very consciously rejecting the “old ways.” They broke with the traditions of the past in order to claim something they felt was more valuable – something that was new.  Most of them left not only the old ways behind, but the old people as well. We often refer to these people as our Founding Fathers, but a more appropriate term is probably Founding Sons.

There was no space created for celebrating elders then and there is none now. In fact, we have actively tried to move people out of the mainstream as they age, and in doing so we have created ageism in our society. Like racism and sexism, ageism marginalizes people, encourages stereotypes and leads to discrimination.

Ageism teaches us to fight the aging process — to deny it and to do all that we can to prevent it. Rather than honoring older people as the holders of faith, wisdom and culture, ageism consigns the elderly to oblivion and dismisses their experience and wisdom as out dated. As a result older people are often seen as a burden, a problem to be dealt with – rather than a channel of grace for us and for society.

No wonder we’re afraid of aging. 

All is Vanity

But if any generation can change the stigma of age, it is today’s Baby Boomers. Like the rat moving persistently through the python, this giant size demographic is slowly moving forward, aging as it goes. In fact, this is the year that the tail end – those of us born in 1964 – all turn 50. As the whiney generation I know that we are not likely to stand idly by and allow ourselves to be treated as others have been in the past. We aren’t going to be willing to go quietly to a home where somebody tells us when the lights go out and when we can eat. We might be the first people to insist on Starbucks at our nursing home and to make other demands unheard of today.

In the meantime, we are all caught up in ageism.  And the damnable thing about it is that it keeps us from looking forward to aging, to savoring our experiences, to growing old gracefully.

There is a wonderful book in the Old Testament about wisdom called Ecclesiastes. It begins with an oft quoted expression: “Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.” 

The term, vanity, is used 30 times in this short book to suggest that most of life has no more substance than a puff of breath. The author is almost yelling, “Wake Up! We are all on the verge of absurdity here with all our running about! Everything we cling to in the hope of happiness means nothing in the end!”

Ecclesiastes counters the claim that “pleasure is the meaning of life” and in doing so also counters the gospel of the American Dream that can so easily lead us far away from the vision of the Gospel of Christ.

The spokesman of this truth is the most powerful person imaginable in the ancient world of the Hebrews — a wealthy king in Jerusalem, someone like King Solomon who had all the wealth, wisdom and power he needed to fulfill any dream he wished.

But after pursuing all his desires, the king laments again and again that everything amounts to a passing breath. 

And what does have substance? A life of faith. A life of faith is a full life, and it is also a life of letting go. As we age, the Spirit continually nudges us from within to let go of all that is unworthy, all that weighs us down. Aging is an ordinary human process – that Spirit uses to bring us to our own Spiritual reality.

Aging Gracefully

Letting go of our things, letting go of our youth, even letting go of control, depending more and more on others to do what we once did can make us angry and bitter. Or it can become an opportunity to accelerate our reliance on others, to finally accept that we are all connected. That together we know no bounds, but as individuals we are limited. We find purpose and meaning in letting go of all of the artificial things that we think hold purpose and meaning.

So how do we go about aging gracefully? By living in the now. The past is important; it has shaped us and brought us to where we are. But it is in the present moment that we encounter the transcendent realities of our life. Our Spirit is not of the past; nor is it of the future. Our Divine energy is in this very moment now.

Next, we need to engage in memory work. Memories need to be treasured and brought to consciousness from time to time. Good memories help give us a sense of well-being; they help us validate our life. Painful memories remind us that there is still work to do. Most importantly, it is in retrospect that we so often come to realize that God has always been at work in the course of our life. Realizing that God has journeyed with us both in the good times and in the bad times can be a source of great comfort and an occasion for thanks.

Memory work may bring up issues of anger, guilt, shame, rejection, misunderstanding and other difficult emotions. Memory work reminds us — sometimes painfully — that there is much messiness in life and many loose ends. We may make efforts to resolve the unresolved. But faith also tells us that there is only so much we can accomplish and that completion is the Universe’s work.

Finally, there are many signs of despair in our society. Younger men and women need to know by word, deed and example that life is worth living. Little children need to see faith-filled, joy-filled role models in their lives. The presence of older women and men, filled with the Spirit, reaching out to others with compassion and grace, testifies to the promise that all may have the fullness of life.

Kenosis: The End of Aging

Of course any talk of aging needs to acknowledge that there is an end to the aging process. Sooner or later we all deal with our own personal death. Ultimately, we can view our death as a necessary event in the continuous cycle of life as our departing allows a new life to be supported on this earth. We can chose to live for today and hope to leave the world a little better than we found it. Or we can approach it kicking and screaming.

This threatens to become a bigger problem as we tenaciously cling to every moment of life – financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I look at the heroic measures taking place to keep people alive in their last two years – no matter what their quality of life has become. Often this comes not at the elder’s request, but as a demand of younger people. By not letting go of our elders, are we able to deny our own aging process? Do we avoid confronting our own mortality by refusing to recognize that of our elders?

I imagine all of us have known or heard about children who struggle with illness and disease early in life. Who face their own death with a sense of calm, courage and welcoming that we admire and marvel at? Could this be one more example of what Jesus meant by the kingdom belonging to the children?

How between being a child and becoming old do we get attached to so much stuff? The Greek word for letting go is Kenosis. Kenosis is at the heart of Christian spirituality. Can we learn to let go of the waistline and the welcome the wrinkles? Can we learn to let go of the absurdity of trying to find meaning in the meaningless and welcome a life of surrender? And when are bodies are worn out and ready for rest, can we find the peace we need to finally let go of life?

 An Invitation for Reflection:

1) What do you most fear losing as you age?

2) What do you most look forward to gaining?

3) What memories of elders do you carry with you?

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Being Fully Human, Bible, Christian Mysticism, hope, oppression, perspective, Progressive Christianity, Relationship, Spiritual

Rapture Revisted

FireWe’ve been looking at the book of Revelation in the Christian Bible and discovering that it has nothing to do with the Rapture popularized in the Left Behind Series. Instead, the book challenges us to loEk at our own cultural and society realities and to critically examine whether, instead of being the faithful few, we are really part of the corrupt and controlling empire. 

Maybe it’s because of another American cultural phenomenon known as “It’s not my fault.” IWe have become masters at the “Better to Blame Someone Else Game.” If we begin to see ourselves as the Empire then we have a responsibility to do something about it. But if we are the victims of something out of our control, all we need to do is buckle down and finger point and wait for the apocalypse.

My criticism of the book is that it too neatly divides people into two camps and creates an us vs. them mentality. And in doing so it fails to consider that we each hold the seeds of oppressor and oppressed within us. 

America was founded on the idea that people needed to be free of oppression which leads me to wonder if we take some sort of perverse pleasure in being persecuted so that we always have an oppressor to overcome. Think of the neo-Nazi and White Arian Resistance movements who claim reverse discrimination and demand to be seen as the victims in a society making pitiful progress toward advancing the status of woman, people of color, and people of different sexual orientations. Is that kind of egocentric worldview at the heart of why we can read Revelation in our context today and not see that we have become the very empire we decry?

Oppressor and Oppressed

Is there something here tied to emotionally charged words like “power” and maybe “shame” in our failure to use power well? Do we look self pityingly upon our own self and the slings and arrows we know we have suffered and fail to see our place within a much larger community – or two – one that oppresses and one that is oppressed? Is the truth that we don’t want to face the fact that we live in both and that we get them mixed up – so that we give our energy and allegiance to the one we know will suck the life out of us but that offers other powerful enticements to stay? And in doing so are we unable to accept the responsibility that our choices have local and global consequences that hurt other people and this earth? Until in our dissonance we simply have to blame it on the “system” – the enemy that holds us captive?

In the Book of Revelation I find that I am finally both oppressor and oppressed. I struggle to build communities of support for myself and for my many friends who are marginalized and mistreated. I sign petitions and walk for good causes and donate lots of money to charity. And I continue to buy products at the lowest cost from companies who benefit from military contracts and shady employment practices.

Revelations challenges me to ask on a day-to-day basis what values I choose to live by. It asks you and I to what or to whom will we give our allegiance? And it tells us in no uncertain terms that there are consequences to the choices we make. We can be complicit in the violence and destruction and help destroy all that is good and beautiful or we can be co-creators in building a new heaven and a new earth. But whatever we do, the consequences begin today.

The primary vision in Revelation is not about a place after we die or even after Jesus returns. It is a vision for how we can transform our world today by the way we live out God’s reign in the world. It is a vision of healing and of peace and joy. Once we have seen that vision it affects everything we do.

A Book of Hope

According to Barbara Rossing, “Revelation is not a book written to inspire fear and terror. But it is definitely written to increase our sense of urgency. It is an apocalyptic wake up call precisely because there IS hope for us and for the world. Revelation teaches us a fierce, urgent and wonderful hope – not an easy comfort, but a hope that knows the reality of terror and still can testify to God’s love in the face of that terror.”

Revelation is a bizarre book to read. In times of great turmoil, persecution and uncertainty, it helps people make sense out of what is happening and comprehend the source of their suffering. It holds out to them the promise that God is still in control and will ultimately be victorious. But in a time and place of arguable wealth and comfort and power, it offers a harsh critique of the political, economic, social and religious realities of the Empire.

It doesn’t stop there. It also presents us with a vision of a world-in-the-making where peace and justice are embodied in a new heaven and a new earth, as it challenges us to withdraw from the Empire to live even now in the New Jerusalem, the New Grand Haven, the New Michigan, the New America.

My boys, Jackson and Alex, saw King Kong when the 2006 version was released. They came home at 10:30 at night bouncing off the walls. I told Alex he had to calm down and get ready for bed. To which he replied, “I’ve just sat for 3 hours and 6 minutes with my eyes exposed to flashing light and loud noise. I can’t settle down now!” I encourage us all to spend some time with the Book of Revelation. If King Kong can do that to a 10-year-old kid, imagine what multi-headed beasts, weird creatures, dragons and a hero who’s a lamb might be able to stir up in us!

Invitation for Reflection

1)      How do you approach theology and “pop” culture?

2)      If the world were ending, what would you do?

3)      In what ways are you oppressed? In what ways are you the oppressor?

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